By. Ms. Trishna Ghosh Bista
It’s sad but true, these days there has been a rise in the number of extramarital cases in Nepal. Cases that I have encountered hail from all the socio economic classes, usually at 50s, and employed personnel.
You’ve been married for years and suddenly you find yourself attracted to somebody else. Maybe he or she works in your office or maybe he is your ex….you never thought it would go this far, before it reached this point but … you didn’t and now you’re cheating on your spouse .Developing attraction or romantic feelings for someone other than your spouse happens in almost every relationship. Hopefully it’s rare, but it’s normal.
Pursuing those feelings, however is harmful and incredibly destructive to people you care about. The irony is that while trying to bring love to that new person, you actually bring them harm. The pursuit involves hiding, manipulation, and lying. If you have children, you’re not present because you’re spending every possible moment with the affair partner or obsessing about the next time you can.
And then there is the 5 to 6 years of living hell you go through after you’re found out, even if you don’t get divorced.
After being in a committed marital relationship, when we begin to develop feelings for somebody else, it’s a great indicator some serious attention needs to be paid to our marriage. If you’ve not acted on anything, shut the inappropriate relationship down and be intentional about finding the spark in your marriage again. If this sounds extreme, imagine your spouse’s response if they knew what was going on and what if he was engaged in a similar relationship with the third person, will u be able to take deception?
If you’re already having an affair, you probably feel terrible but are having trouble stopping and have no idea what to do. We want you to know some things you can do:
1. First of all come to terms with the fact this is going to be difficult and it’s going to hurt, but there will be life again.
2. Open up with God and own everything that you’ve done. Confession without excuses .
3. To walk away from an affair you need to know something you are walking toward; something that is more important to you than that which you are afraid of losing in yourself when you leave. For instance if you felt you could only be your “real self” with your affair partner, walk through the fear of doing that with your spouse now. Yes, it may shake things up but not any worse than having an affair.
4. Talk to a therapist, a real friend and ask for help now. This will make an immense difference and you will feel relief. A trustworthy person can help you do what you probably won’t do alone.
5. Invite your spouse to tell you how you contribute to their hurt and loneliness and then listen. It is amazing how people can drop their walls when they feel heard.
6. Stop deceiving yourself and others. When we are in the middle of a deception, we have usually told so many lies that we don’t know how to get back to the truth. The beginning of honesty with others is to first be honest with ourselves.
7. Do not Defend yourself or blame, as it only fuels more anger and increases the chance that you’ll actually believe your defense.
8. Tell your spouse the truth. I know this brings you panic because you have no idea how it will turn out. Experienced therapist is invaluable to help with this.
The truth just needs to come out and be dealt with. This is going to cost you and those you love a great deal, but dealing with it now and being honest will be the first step in reestablishing broken trust.
Getting caught is going to make it much, much worse. If you walk through this honestly and humbly, you will uncover the meaning of integrity and will find you like yourself better, as will others.
There is no reason why your spouse cannot be a better lover than he/she is now, if only you become a more willing participant. And that is only going to start when you stop making comparisons. The day your extramarital affair comes out in the open, in all probability, there is going to be no sexual fulfilment, no boyfriend, no marriage and no husband.
Concentrate on your marital relationship; value the person in his/her presence rather than in the absence!!
(Ms. Trishna Ghosh Bista is a Clinical Psychologist currently employed at the Mental Hospital at Lagenkhel.
This post is originally published in http://nepalireporter.com/18146/extramarital-affair-nepal/ )